top10

Lets start with a few of the racing inspired "Top 10" style lists I have written over the years. I know they make me laugh when I come up with them, and that is enough for me, but maybe you'll find something you like here too.

By the way, remember these are JOKES. Everything included here was written without any malice at all. I poke fun at my wife, my kids and my friends, and it is in that same spirit that I made these silly things up.

For Any Situation, Create Another Rule

Finger At Starter Can Affect Results

Find Another Sanction, Crybabies Are Rewarded

Found A Speedway! Calling All Rednecks!

Forget About Servicing Concessions And Restrooms

Favoritism Always Sends Cars Away Rapidly

For A Surprise, Clean A Restroom

Fans Again Suffer Crashes And Repetition

For Another Season, Consider Alternative Recreation

Fix All Speakers, Customers Appreciate Repairs

Financially A Savior: "Crash A Rama"

Fast Approaching Stockcars Cause Adrenalin Rush!

Fans Amazed Since Coming Again Recently

Fans Appreciate Smyrna Construction And Remodeling

Fairness Always Satisfies Crews And Racers

Find A Stockcar! Come And Race!

Fans Always See Crashing And Rubbing

Finally A Speedway Can Attract Racers

Keep All Racers Negative And Confused

Kiss *ss Reporters, Nutty *ss Comments

Kegs And Racers Never Attract Concern

Keeping All Rednecks Nice And Competitive

Kindergarten Antics Reveal Nothing Apparantly Constructive

Know-All Reporters Nightly Attract Critisism

Kneel All Racers! Never Again Criticize!

Kids Abusing Ridilin, Nitrous And Crack

Kidding All! Rex Never Acts Crazy!

10 Dwarf cars must be driven by real dwarfs, midgets must be driven by real midgets.

9 The drivers will be prohibited from drinking during the races, but drinking will be encouraged during practice and qualifying.

8 All racecars must use brake lights like the SCCA.

7 Free dip cups for all patrons.

6 They added a jump on the front stretch so the drivers can "get some air" across the finish line.

5 Dropping modifieds and replacing them with Monster Trucks.

4 All racecars must carry a hunting dog in the passenger seat area.

3 The scorers will award extra points for "drifting".

2 Happy Hour 3-6, Ladies Night everynight!

1 "We're going condo!"

Orlando Speedworld Announces New Race Division

A hearty "Yee-Haw" echoed through the Bithlo area after a surprise announcement by Speedworld promoter Dusty Carcus. "FASCAR always tries to serve our racing community, so when we found out that a large segment of local racers were virtually shut-out from competing at our track, we put our heads together and came up with a solution."

Dusty then announced a new racing division designed exclusively for those racers who can't make it to the Friday night program. "Probation Stocks" will be the new class, and it is for the high number of drivers who are on work release, and who must return to jail on Friday afternoons. This new class will compete on Wednesday nights, and will run a full program of heats and feature races.

Local pawn shops reported a flurry of activity as several mechanics struggled to get their tools out of hock.

It was also announced that the new "Pro-Stocks" already have a point fund to be awarded to the series champion. The fund sponsor, East Orlando Tattoo and Bail Bonds, will donate 2 months of child support payments to the winning driver.

Racing begins as soon as extra security can be arranged.

This probably takes too much explanation to be funny. There has been an on-going fued between a bunch of demolition derby drivers on the KARNAC message board. After months of smack talking, two of them were to finally meet in a 2 car demo derby. Well, for whatever reason, one of them (Ray #62) didn't show up for the derby. So....

Top 10 Reasons Why Ray Chickened Out

10 Too busy sewing white surrender flags for Crash-A-Rama

9 Decided it was safer to drive a demo simulator on-line

8 Had to think of more things to blame on Chuck

7 He is in a French army boot camp learning how to retreat

6 All the good cars were taken

5 Had to practice running backwards and blowing kisses

4 Attended the audition for the TV show "The Biggest Loser".

3 Couldn't pull himself away from teen week on Jeopardy

2 His horoscope was not favorable

1 Found out that Don offered 500 to the winner, but it was 500 pesos

Top 10 Things Overheard at the Ramadan 500

1 "I didn't know camels could run that fast!"

2 "I hear the winner gets 72 virgins."

3 "The pole sitter jumped the start and must be executed."

4 "The hot dogs all have fuses!"

5 "Yes, I spun the leader. It was Allah's will."

6 "Look, Ali has a carbon fiber turban!"

7 "The grand marshall just blew himself up."

8 "These speedway prayer mats hurt my knees."

9 "This is even better than the 2 car demo between Osama Ray and Ali Chuck."

10 "Wow, the trophy girl looks hot in that checkered burka!"

Remember, "Ramadan" is a Muslim holiday and is not an abbreviation of "Ramada Inn"!

There was much discussion in 2006 about FASCAR’s decision to split the Gulfcoast Modified tour into two, parallel series. One uses the more expensive “big” engines to run on larger tracks, and the other uses less expensive “little” engines for the smaller tracks.

As usual, any change causes discontent to boil over, and in this case, there was even disagreement about what to name the new series. Super Modifieds, Outlaw Modifieds, Super Outlaws etc. have all been proposed. As a public service, I propose the following list:

Top 10 Names for FASCAR’s New Modified Division

10 Super-Duper Modifieds

9Single-file Mods

8Mordifieds

7Anxiety Modifieds

6The “We can afford to run SLM, but we are just hanging around here in hopes we can finally win something” class

5Le Chic Modified de Villes

4We’re not sure what to call it, but we know Michael Waltrip couldn’t qualify here either.

3Extinction Mods

2The Prozac Modifieds

1The Global Warmers

Daytona 500, 2007

Michael Waltrip was disqualified for having an "illegal substance" in the intake manifold of his racecar. So what was the substance that NASCAR found in Michael Waltrip’s intake? Since it has not been identified, here are my top 10 suggestions of what he used to give the Toyota engine a little more muscle.

Spinach

FEMA cheese

“Obsession” by Calvin Klein

The same stuff New Smyrna uses to cook French fries

Brittany’s missing panties

Flubber

Jimmy Hoffa’s liver

The little blue pill

Rice (thanks to Mr. KIA)

Love letters from Jeff Gordon

This picture is a real Foxworthy moment

One night at New Smyrna, there was a wedding proposal in victory circle after one of the races. This young man asked his girl for her hand, and she accepted. That is great.

When was the last time you saw a proposal by a shirtless guy with droopy pants, boxers and tattoos? To paraphrase Jeff Foxworthy; "If you propose marriage in victory circle, you might be a redneck".