Rex's Top 10 Lists and Racing Comedy
What do the letters in "FASCAR" stand for?
For Any Situation, Create Another Rule
Finger At Starter Can Affect Results
Find Another Sanction, Crybabies Are Rewarded
Found A Speedway! Calling All Rednecks!
Forget About Servicing Concessions And Restrooms
Favoritism Always Sends Cars Away Rapidly
For A Surprise, Clean A Restroom
Fans Again Suffer Crashes And Repetition
For Another Season, Consider Alternative Recreation
Fix All Speakers, Customers Appreciate Repairs
Financially A Savior: "Crash A Rama"
You are probably familiar with the KARNAC web site. It is a great asset to the Florida racing scene, but have you ever wondered what the letters in KARNAC stand for?
Keep All Racers Negative And Confused
Kiss *ss Reporters, Nutty *ss Comments
Keeping Andy's Reports Never Again Circulated
Kegs And Racers Never Attract Concern
Keeping All Rednecks Nice And Competitive
Kindergarten Antics Reveal Nothing Apparantly Constructive
Know-All Reporters Nightly Attract Critisism
Kneel All Racers! Never Again Criticize!
Kids Abusing Ridilin, Nitrous And Crack
Kidding All! Rex Never Acts Crazy!
Top 10 Changes Made By the New Owners of Ocala Speedway
10 Dwarf cars must be driven by real dwarfs, midgets must be driven by real midgets.
9 The drivers will be prohibited from drinking during the races, but drinking will be encouraged during practice and qualifying.
8 All racecars must use brake lights like the SCCA.
7 Free dip cups for all patrons.
6 They added a jump on the front stretch so the drivers can "get some air" across the finish line.
5 Dropping modifieds and replacing them with Monster Trucks.
4 All racecars must carry a hunting dog in the passenger seat area.
3 The scorers will award extra points for "drifting".
2 Happy Hour 3-6, Ladies Night every night!
1 "We're going condo!"
Here is a ridiculous article I wrote for a racing parody website.
The real track promoter I refer to is Rusty Marcus.
Orlando Speedworld Announces New Race Division
A hearty "Yee-Haw" echoed through the Bithlo area after a surprise announcement by Speedworld promoter Dusty Carcus. "FASCAR always tries to serve our racing community, so when we found out that a large segment of local racers were virtually shut-out from competing at our track, we put our heads together and came up with a solution."
Dusty then announced a new racing division designed exclusively for those racers who can't make it to the Friday night program. "Probation Stocks" will be the new class, and it is for the high number of drivers who are on work release, and who must return to jail on Friday afternoons. This new class will compete on Wednesday nights and will run a full program of heats and feature races.
Local pawn shops reported a flurry of activity as several mechanics struggled to get their tools out of hock.
It was also announced that the new "Pro-Stocks" already have a point fund to be awarded to the series champion. The fund sponsor, East Orlando Tattoo and Bail Bonds, will donate 2 months of child support payments to the winning driver.
Racing begins as soon as extra security can be arranged.
Top 10 Changes at Speedworld for Faith Night
10 Kosher concession stands!
9 Jehovah Witness dunking booth
8 Buy one admission for your main wife , and your other wives get in free! (Mormans and Muslims only)
7 There will be guards at the beer stand to make sure that no Baptists are drinking.
6 “Buddah-belly” contest, open to drivers and fans
5 Muslim call to prayers at sunset performed by Todd McCreary
4 In deference to our Hindu fans, hamburgers will not be served, and cows will be allowed to roam the property unmolested.
3 Jewish drivers will observe the Sabbath and must park their cars at sunset.
2 “Drink like a Priest” night, 2 for 1 hard liquor at the Front Stretch bar.
1 Bingo cards at intermission…. again
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Ramadan 500
1 "I didn't know camels could run that fast!"
2 "I hear the winner gets 72 virgins."
3 "The pole sitter jumped the start and must be executed."
4 "The hot dogs all have fuses!"
5 "Yes, I spun the leader. It was Allah's will."
6 "Look, Ali has a carbon fiber turban!"
7 "The grand marshall just blew himself up."
8 "These speedway prayer mats hurt my knees."
9 "Its intermission, time to throw those rocks and bottles!"
10 "Wow, the trophy girl looks hot in that checkered burka!"
Remember, "Ramadan" is a Muslim holiday and is not an abbreviation of "Ramada Inn"!
There was much discussion in 2006 about FASCAR’s decision to split the Gulfcoast Modified tour into two, parallel series. One uses the more expensive “big” engines to run on larger tracks, and the other uses less expensive “little” engines for the smaller tracks.
As usual, any change causes discontent to boil over, and in this case, there was even disagreement about what to name the new series. Super Modifieds, Outlaw Modifieds, Super Outlaws etc. have all been proposed. As a public service, I propose the following list:
Top 10 Names for FASCAR’s New Modified Division
10 Super-Duper Modifieds
9
Single-file Mods
Single-file Mods 8Mordifieds
Mordifieds 7Anxiety Modifieds
Anxiety Modifieds 6The “We can afford to run SLM, but we are just hanging around here in hopes we can finally win something” class
The “We can afford to run SLM, but we are just hanging around here in hopes we can finally win something” class 5Le Chic Modified de Villes
Le Chic Modified de Villes 4We’re not sure what to call it, but we know Michael Waltrip couldn’t qualify here either.
We’re not sure what to call it, but we know Michael Waltrip couldn’t qualify here either. 3Extinction Mods
Extinction Mods 2The Prozac Modifieds
The Prozac Modifieds 1The Global Warmers
The Global WarmersDaytona 500, 2007
Michael Waltrip was disqualified for having an "illegal substance" in the intake manifold of his racecar. So what was the substance that NASCAR found in Michael Waltrip’s intake? Since it has not been identified, here are my top 10 suggestions of what he used to give the Toyota engine a little more muscle.
Spinach
FEMA cheese
“Obsession” by Calvin Klein
The same stuff New Smyrna uses to cook French fries
Brittany’s missing panties
Flubber
Jimmy Hoffa’s liver
The little blue pill
Rice (thanks to Mr. KIA)
Love letters from Jeff Gordon
This picture is a real Foxworthy moment
One night at New Smyrna, there was a wedding proposal in victory circle after one of the races. This young man asked his girl for her hand, and she accepted. That is great.
When was the last time you saw a proposal by a shirtless guy with droopy pants, boxers and tattoos? To paraphrase Jeff Foxworthy; "If you propose marriage in victory circle, you might be a redneck".
A Chinese demo derby
Here I am joined in victory circle by NASCAR & Indy driver Danica Patrick. This daydream is courtesy of Razpewton and his photo shop skills.
The only drag race that ever interested me! Herman Munster in the far lane takes on Grandpa.
A "Bonedelero"
A balloon demo derby.
Top 10 Ways Racing Will Be Different When It Is Run By the Government
1 Driver autographs must be notarized.
2 Weekly racing permits will take months to get.
3 Pre-race inspection now requires a TSA style pat-down.
4 Protests may be appealed to the Supreme Court.
5 The starter’s flags must also be available in Braille.
6 Tech will be replaced with a system of “Don’t ask, don’t tell”.
7 All racecars must present proof of insurance.
8 At least one corner must always be under construction, complete
with barricades and one lane of traffic.
9 The pill draw will require hours of paperwork.
10 Subsidized admission for illegal aliens.
Top 10 Things Overheard at the FASCAR Banquet
10 “Did you tip the attendant? Don Nerone is keeping the restroom nice and tidy.”
9 “In order to receive a trophy, all drivers must carry a SADE sticker.”
8 “You want fries with that?”
7 “Play Freebiiiird!”
6 “Keep your arms straight out, place your feet heal to toe, and try to walk this
straight line.”
5 “Yo! Another Shirley Temple for Herm Korpi!”
4 “No sir, the chef insists that these hot dogs are not left over from the Turkey Rod
Run.”
3 “I hear second place in mini stocks at Orlando pays $1500!” (hint: I got second)
2 “I see Mark Keeler borrowed Rusty’s pink shoes for the evening.”
1 “Security!”
Top 10 Ways that Carol Wicks is Like Don Nerone
10 They both learned the racing business by studying at the feet of Bobby Diehl.
9 They each abandoned Tony Stewart and became Kyle Busch fans.
8 Each one turned down invitations to appear on “Dancing With the Stars”
7 Carol has plenty of knots on her noggin too
6 They both enjoy a good bar fight.
5 Matching “Boneman” tattoos.
4 They both attended the 1934 Indy 500.
3 Big Justin Bieber fans.
2 Each believes that short-track races should have fields of 8 cars MAXIMUM.
1 Both think racers are pampered, over-paid cry babies.
We are all familiar with NASCAR, USAC, TBARA etc.. Well, here are some of the NEW racing organizations that are rumored to be coming soon to Florida.
SUCKS Southern United Champ Kart Series
FLOP Florida’s League Of Promoters
WACKOFF Wild Action Champ Karts OF Florida
RECTUM Ragged Edge Championship Tour for Unlimited Minicups
BARFBAG Bandeleros All Racing For Bucks And Glory
WUSS Wingless United Sprint Series
PROSTATE PROfessional Sprints That Add The Excitement
Top 10 Things That Will Really Trigger The End of the World
Change "Wham-O" bubble gum so it actually explodes when you chew it
Astronomers discover a meteor shower that will pummel Uranus
As soon as the "end of the world preppers" give up and ditch their supplies.
Too many Menthos, too much Pepsi
"Oops, we meant the Mayan collander"
Windows 9
"Seriously? You mean we all get 72 virgins?"
"Here Comes Honey Boo Boo", the movie
As soon as Wal-Mart starts selling armed, remote-control drones
Some newly discovered Aztec non-sense
FASCAR changed tire manufacturers this week from Goodyear to Hoosier. In the short term, this will cause some expense and frustration to the racers, so in response to the public out-cry, here is a sampling of racer opinion.
Top 10 Things Overheard in the FASCAR Pits
“Hey, this never happens on ‘Pinks!’”
“No problem. When I raced karts my dad carried 100 mounted tires in our stacker!”
“Hello? SCCA?”
“You guys need to buy a bunch of my tires. I’ve got a sick speedway to support”.
“But the promoters at the seminar said to never do this…”
“I hear Hoosier is moving their tire manufacturing to Mexico.”
“Its ok, they will buy back the unused tires…..Oops! You’re too late!”
“They are the softest compound Hoosier makes? That means they last longer, right?”
“Oh boy, these leak through the sidewall too!”
“Wait until you hear the announcement about pit slabs!”
Top 10 “Can’t Miss” Ways to Reorganize Speedworld
Put the IRS in charge of rules and payouts
Hire an all-blonde staff of bimbos
Run it using a committee of KARNAC experts (yes, I volunteer)
Try using a Ouija board
Hire Al Gore, he can’t be that busy
Consult the Mayan calendar for clues
Observe Bubba Raceway Park and always do the opposite
Hire a proven CEO, the late Steve Jobs for example
Have infinite monkeys with infinite typewriters write the rulebook
Put Don Nerone back in charge (haha, sorry I couldn’t help myself)
Top 10 Ways to Perk Up the Governor's Cup race weekend
10 Have a Don Nerone Look-A-Like contest
9 Fill the Governor's Cup trophy with beer and let fans go bobbing for pigs feet
8 The Grand Marshall? Rusty Marcus dressed up like Michelle Obama.
7 Another nifty New Smyrna coupon: a small soda and a hot dog, only $6.
6 Quinella, Trifecta and Superfecta windows will stay open until the start of the pace laps.
5 Give paintball guns to 20 lucky fans, then wait for the starter to make a mistake....
4 Change Joe Winchell's name to "Danica".
3 Make it like Pee Wee soccer, don't keep score and everybody wins!
2 Most horrible tattoo contest (women only)
1 Change the track length to kilometers so the race will be shorter.
The "Spirit of LeMons", a 1956 Cessna airplane mated to a Toyota mini van.
A recent ChumpCar competitor
Here is some photo non-sense about my internet nemesis, "Demo Ray #62,"
Here is a great look at our racing HQ
